“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
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You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
mathematically impossible
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.