How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
You Might Also Like
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”