You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
figuring out my emotional availability:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”