I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Donkey Kong sommelier
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.