Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
How to draw a duck
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”