Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked