Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad