Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.