“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
the #horror is real!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: