the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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my name if I was in the mob
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Accurate
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…