I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.