I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting