I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
A choir of Spring onions
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it