Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.