I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
i wish we could shoplift online
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.