My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.