A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Terribly Tuesday.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m not lazy
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back