The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.