I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Actually cracking up @ this