*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
seems like a niche market
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”