😂😂
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Investing in beetcoin
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.