{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
S/o to @funTweeters .
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
uh oh
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Carpe DM
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no