My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500