I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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Home is where your toilet is.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I finally found a reason to live again.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now