Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.