Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The Onion called it…again.