These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off