There’s no “us” in nachos.
You Might Also Like
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Cat is stressing him out.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
why no one uses midhusbands
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.