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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I remember when things only cost an arm.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,