I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
somebody come look at this
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.