My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first