…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?