yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You Might Also Like
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
i baked you a cake
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.