Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
idk what this dog had been going through but same
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.