I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You Might Also Like
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”