There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU