Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.