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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.