Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”