BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Velcrow
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs