I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight