Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me irl
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks