My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
turning my gender off to conserve energy
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)