Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Yup!
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.