Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.