Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder