How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
new wife guy just dropped
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it