Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You Might Also Like
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.