what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.