I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?